This is my twin sister Debora, at her husbands funeral.
If you look close to the picture of the deer, you will see Debora's husband Shan in the background. He is taking a photo of the deer. This was in Yellowstone Park. That deer let Shan and his friend take pictures for about 4 hours. The picture on the bottom is one of Shans nature photos. It really is magnificent. I took this pic.,sorry it is so bad, but I don't know how to photograph a glass covered object. Even though it is of such poor quality. I thought it was important to share. Below (if this works right, is a story about Shan's passing that was written for a newletter in Chicago.
Community, faith and trust. A heart lesson like no other…..
Ellison. One of my Spirit trail sisters from Seattle calls me regularly to keep in touch. We often speak about what we are learning, our kids, and the simple things of life. I will say we really look to support each other in the deepening of our understanding of others and ourselves. One of our last conversations was about how she needed to leave town to go to Wyoming for her bother-in-law, Shan’s funeral and to support her twin sister, Debora. As her family’s story unfolded over several phone calls, I found myself intrigued by this community’s level of support. The idea of true community is something I hold very sacred in my own life.
The fall is the time of honoring death and our ancestors in many traditions. Shan, only 50, died of cancer a few days before Halloween. The perfect seasonal timing was not wasted on Ellison (who walks an earth honoring path herself). Shan and Debora had been happily married for more than 26 years and have 5 children. They live in Star Valley, Wyoming where Shan had worked in the local hardware store for almost 17 years. Shan’s family has been in that area for several generations allowing a deep connection of family and community. Shan’s great passion (other than his family) is nature photography. Living in such a pristine area gave him many opportunities to connect with the sacred beauty of the mountains, rivers, forests, and wild animals.
He never sold his work, feeling it was wrong to charge for his passion. At his memorial service many people shared stories of the extraordinary lengths he would go to for the perfect photo of one of their favorite places. I heard stories of hiking 12 miles in the snow, lying in an ice-cold river, leaving in the middle of the night to catch a sunrise. He would then have them printed, matted, and framed to give as a gift. Many people spoke of the great comfort and inspiration these photos have been to them and their families.
People often viewed him as an ”odd duck”, but he always acted in sweet servitude to people’s simple requests and in the true sense of community, everyone accepted him and loved him for who he was. I find myself mesmerized by a community that saw the dignity of his life and the true gift to the community that Shan and Debra are.
They led a simple life, rich in love and family, but not in possessions. I wonder how Debra and her children will make this transition as her life companion crosses over. As my friend continued this story, my heart is filled with solace at the unconditional support of family, friends, and the entire community.
During the final few months of his life there were several occasions where people provided magical experiences for Debra and Shan to celebrate their time together. A friend of a friend surprised Shan by landing a helicopter in their back yard to take them flying over the mountains were Shan and his camera had hiked hundreds oh miles over the past 4 years. A friend, and fellow nature photographer came at 4 am to take them to Yellowstone Park to spend the day taking pictures of elk, deer, wolves, grizzly bears and the beauty of the park. Family and friends wasted no time in coming to visit, offering help, and to say anything left to be said. Shan’s sister is a hospice nurse in Tennessee and she left her family for many weeks to come to help care for and comfort Shan. His loved ones surrounded Shan as he died.
My friend said this was the most sentimental, personal, beautiful funeral she has ever seen. After his death, Debora and Shan’s sisters went to the mortuary to wash and prepare his body. A friend, that is a cabinetmaker helped Shan’s two sons make a cedar coffin. They used the cedar crib Shan had made 24 years ago, for their first baby, as the end pieces of the coffin. They used some of Shan’s elk antlers for the handles. One of Debora’s girlfriends used a family quilt to line the coffin and another girlfriend took Debora’s wedding dress to make the pillow for his head. She cut off the beautiful lace and beaded sleeves and arranged them on the pillow to wrap around Shan’s neck for his journey home….an eternal hug. Someone embroidered part of Shan and Debra’s love poem (“When you close your eyes, I will fall asleep. I will love you forever….”) and a forest scene on the lining of the lid. Someone they know did an exquisite silk arrangement for the top of the coffin .The red, orange, and gold forest flowers, pinecones, blackberries, bleached antlers and pine boughs were the perfect accent for the cedar box with a patchwork lining.
Money was an object for this family as Deborah has taken off her part time job (also at the hardware store) to be with her dying husband. One day a woman from work (whose husband had died a few year ago and knew what Debora was going through) took Debora out to lunch and to buy something beautiful and special to wear to the funeral. Debora was so glad to do this in time for Shan to see it. This new friend knew the right things to say and how to provide a safe place for Debra to cry. This mans death had turned into not only a family event, but also a community event. Two months before he crossed, their freezer went out and they called a neighbor to borrowed an extra one “they just happened to have”. Deborah decided she needed to finally fix hers and return the neighbors, so she called the repair person. The way they repaired it, was to haul away her old one and deliver a new unit loaded full of food. Asking for nothing in return. There were anonymous donations to the utility company, the mortgage company. This community was generous financially, spiritually, and emotionally so that Debora and Shan could be free to make this transition in the best way possible.
The faith of this family was one of deep trust and graciousness and a belief that all things will work themselves out. When it came time to finalize the death journey the families and relatives came from around the globe to be taken in, fed and transported by community members. A memorial service was held at the church where hour after hour people came forward to share stories of their memories of Shan and of how he had touched their lives. Afterward the woman of the community provided a large meal for all to share. Of course in their generous way, they packed up all left over food and brought it to Debora’s house. Debora said she had not had to cook for the past 2-3 weeks as someone was always bringing food over .After the funeral two giant black draft horses pulled the vintage hearse that carried the hand made coffin and this beloved man to the cemetery. And Debora, whose great passion is horses, sat up with the driver, who let her drive the hearse, weaving down the road followed by the endless procession of cars.
The community came forth with stories of this odd helper, with an incredible impact on this small community. His community met this man where he was and did not try to change him. Shan had the power of a presence larger than life even on the way out. It truly speaks to the grace of surrender and trust, Richness is never about money, it is always about people and of legacy leaving. A life lived well and a legacy of goodness that will follow him home to Spirit. This is all so new, and Deborah is now alone with her thoughts and memories, but she met her husbands passing with the grace, dignity and celebration of a life well lived. Deborah does not know what the future holds, but she has surrendered the need to know, will continue to act in faith. Trust, trust, trust. With time Debora hopes to learn the skills necessary to carry on the legacy of Shan’s photography. To sell it, so its great beauty can touch others.
This story brought me to tears through the phone lines about what IS possible if we can return to tribal thinking – about the we, not me. About the next seven generations, about legacy leaving, about a community that can truly support one another in the face of life’s’ challenges and inevitable changes. A fearless, loving life, filled with such strong faith that touched the hearts of many. To my dear ones, family of my dear friend and holy sister, I send my love and gratitude for the lessons you have taught us all. Blessings to your family and gentle hugs for your children. Thank-you for showing us unwavering faith. We often live in our own personal bubbles, not sharing the many other parts of our lives with our communities. Happy holidays to you and yours, May all beings be loved, supported and trust in the faith of Spirit now and forever.
Blessings, Rhonda
