Today Monday June 23,2008 at 5:30pm my heart was ripped wide open when Dr. Bellinghausen and I gave death to Peanut. She was a ferrel cat that came to me as a half starved kitten 16 years ago. She was slow to warm up, but turned into the biggest snuggle bunny ever. She has been amazing in her death process.When Dr. B. diagnosed her with a very aggressive tumor in her salivary gland he told me she probably would not last more than 4 to 6 weeks. I decided to make the little time we had left the best Peanut ever had. That was 4 years ago.I promised myself I would not let her suffer and keeping that promise today was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The silence in the house is deafening. Now the adjusting begins. I hope I can have the strength and wisdom to celebrate the love shared with this precious being and be kind and gentle to my self in fully experiencing the sadness and relief, as I am alone for the first time ever.

May 16,2008
Only 12 more days till my 54th birthday. Funny how time flies (when your having fun). In fact it feels like it is flying sooooo fast that I'm having trouble getting into the art studio to get anything done. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it is today.

We are having an unusual day....it's sunny on a Sat.-lol Spring always feels like a continuation of winter to me. I was born and raised in the San Francisco bay area where spring is warm and sunny with flowers everywhere. When I moved to the Seattle area I have had to get used to (but can you ever get used to) long cool WET, GREYYYYY springs. When I think i have had all the winter I can stand the wet grey spring is a little disheartening. I do love all the green here, but seeing the sun at least once a month doesn't seem like too much to ask.

YIKES!!! It's the end of April. What happened to Feb. and March? I just got back from Artfest, my favorite art retreat. I can't think of anything better then spending 4 days at Fort Worden in Port Townsend, Wa with 500 other wild mixed-media collage, assemblage, etc. artists. Pictures to follow, when ever I get around to it. I do have to say my favorite class was called "Crazy Love Poems" facilitated by Susan G. Wooldridge (author of PoemCrazy and Foolsgold--must haves!). She posed a question to me that rocked my socks....."Who Are You?" A simple question on the surface. It cracked me wide open and I burst into tears. I didn't know how to answer it, or that I was so closed down. So I'm taking on this question as a spiritual quest. I think that by now (54 or so) I should be able to answer that question or at least see a glimmer of my light shining through all the cracks. Below are my first 3 haiku in response to the question.

"Who Are You?"

I'm a great big blob
Life's sorrows stuffed deep inside
Carbohydrate friends

I'm a river swift
My emotions flowing strong
Wash away the past

I'm head-strong, heart-soft
My emotions on my sleeve
Nothing secret here?

I can't believe it is Jan. already!!! I'm having a hard time posting regularly. I can't seem to remember my password to sign in-lol. My mantra for this year is "Life is great in '08!!!" Feel free to use it. I can't say I'm sorry 2007 seven is over. It was a year filled with death, growth and an internal deepening. This year feels so hopeful. If nothing else happens, at least we will get rid of Bush (who should never have been there in the first place). I just got a new "lime green" cell phone and a bluetooth(since mine is pink, I call it a pinktooth) so I'm feeling the advancement of my technical capability. I don't believe in New Years resolutions. They feel like "should" and "shouldn'ts" which I don't believe is a good thing. Besides if you were going to do what ever it is you pick, you would already be doing it. So why would you want to set a goal that you aren't willing to do????? Several of my friends and I do a "theme" for the year. I have to say the theme usually picks me (instead of me picking it-tee-hee). I like to do some activity on New Years Day that reflects my theme and sets the tone for the year. The first year I did this I borrowed from someone else the theme of "extreme self care" and several girlfriends and I went to the spa on Jan !st. So far, my favorite theme has been "ease". It was a lot of fun having a whole year of having my life be easy. This year my theme is "open handed" (it's really open handed, open hearted, open minded). So far it's showing up as being in the moment, with the what is....kind of open to life. I like it so far, even though it has been showing up strongly. Yippee, maybe I'm done with "doing it the hard way".

On Sat. Aug 25th 2007 Vicki died in my arms after a long battle with colon cancer. She came into my life 16 years ago as an approximately 3 week old feral kitten. I bottle fed her and had to teach her how to use a litter box. She claimed me as her mother and nursed on my finger at bed time for much of her life. She was quite the princess and loved to be the center of attention. She had a tiny high pitched mew and as you can see from the picture, beautiful blue eyes. She was a great source of joy and affection and she is greatly missed. I am so glad she is finally free from her illness. This is the second loss of a beloved fur friend in two weeks. My house is not the same. I will grieve AND now turn my attention to the celebration of still having Peanut (the last of my 3 cats) in my life. She misses her life long companions, but always wanted to be an only child and will enjoy the undivided attention.

BORN MAY 27TH 1989-DIED AUGUST 13,2007
TIN TIN Nelson-James
Beloved cat of Ellison James
died with assistance on Monday morning from complication of a stroke on Sunday. He was a sweet spirit that brought much joy to those who knew him. He had a voracious appetite, and especially loved anything carbohydrate and salmon flavored hairball medicine. He had a long life always living with Ellison. He also had 3 litters with Peanut, his companion of 16years. He was the best "mom" bathing, nurturing and sometimes even trying to nurse his babies. He was a great companion and teacher for Ellison. He was the one that taught me to love animals. His absence is felt in our home but I am glad he is free to run with the tigers.